Voiceless: The agonizing silence around male infertility seen through the Little Mermaid’s eyes
Don’t let your relationship become a casualty of infertility.
Explore some ideas for coping when you are the female partner of a male with infertility.
It may seem strange to be writing about mermaids on an IVF / childless webpage, but bear with me.
One of my favourite authors, Kate Forsyth, says “fairy tales are an instruction manual for psychological healing” (www.kateforsyth.com.au, March 29, 2016). I believe sometimes fairy tales can hold up a mirror to what we are unable or afraid to articulate in our own lives. Through the protagonist, villain, or just a passerby in the narrative, we may see ourselves and be able to bring out what is hidden to help with healing, develop coping strategies, find hope, and maybe set us on the path needed to affect change.
March 29 is international world mermaid day and as my favourite fairy tale is Hans Christian Anderson’s Little Mermaid, I thought I would take a page out of bibliotherapy* and reflect on the allegory of this tale to the silent struggle of one specific demographic on the #ivfrollercoaster.
The female partners of men with infertility.
In the original version (1837) the little mermaid gives up all that is familiar to her to be with her prince. In so doing, she loses her voice, as that is the cost of being with the man she loves. Walking alongside him brings another significant cost. Pain. As every step she takes with her new legs is as if walking on knives. And, because she chose to give up her voice, she is not able to articulate the pain she is in or ask for help.
To me, these two themes of voicelessness and pain which are central to the tale provide a strong metaphor for the lives of many women who are childless due to male infertility. A topic that is still largely silent and hidden. There is much shame and taboo in a world where “virility is proven by fertility”. Where, out of love and loyalty, or maybe cultural beliefs, many women keep silent to protect their partner’s egos. These women endure the invasive procedures of IVF, emotional upheavals of hope and despair, and in some cases quietly accept the judgement and ridicule that is thrown at “barren” women.
Choosing to stay with their partners when fertility treatment has been unsuccessful means giving up on their dream of having children of their own as not everyone is comfortable or accepting of going down the donor route. So, these women sacrifice their own desires of shared parenthood and stay silent about the reasons for childlessness – giving rise to more disenfranchised grief.
Walking on knives could be a poignant metaphor to the pain of staying in a childless relationship whilst being voiceless. Every missed milestone, societal pressure, expectations, isolation, feelings of inadequacy - all sharp and painful reminders of the sacrifices made to stay with the man one loves and a relationship one is committed to making work, or simply because cultural norms provide no other choice but to endure.
Interestingly, the statistics say that around 30% of fertility issues are due to male factor infertility. (30% female fertility issues, 30% combination of female and male factor infertility, and 10% are unexplained). And yet, to a large extent, the narrative around male infertility remains mostly invisible.
Reproduction is seen as “women’s business”. In some cultures, male infertility is even denied and ignored with the blame for childlessness placed solely on the woman, giving rise to more stigma, shame, and grief amongst a population who remain silent to protect male egos.
So what are some ways to reclaim your voice and minimize pain if you are the Little Mermaid, the female partner who is childless due to male infertility?
Work on your communication with each other. The loss of voice and remaining silent is not helpful to your wellbeing or your relationship. Over time this silence may cause fractures and maybe even chasms between partners – eroding the foundations of what started out as a healthy partnership. Look for ways to share your feelings with each other in a compassionate way that aims to build bridges rather than widen chasms.
Build your resilience and grief muscles through the lens of why you have chosen to stay with your partner. Continue to build on what gives your relationship meaning and purpose to rediscover harmony in a shared voice that helps minimize your shared pain.
Work through your pain and reclaim your voice. Find a safe supportive place to share your pain. This may be through therapeutic or peer support groups, or working with a therapist who can help explore strategies for wellbeing. Experts say that disenfranchised grief can be processed through being acknowledged, witnessed, validated, and knowing that you are not alone.
If you would like a safe space to reclaim your voice or process your thoughts and feelings about being childless due to male factor infertility, please contact me for an obligation free discovery call.
*Bibliotherapy is a form of creative arts therapy where books are used in therapy to explore wellbeing. (https://bibliotherapyaustralia.com.au/about/)