Neurodiversity and infertility grief
Don’t let your relationship become a casualty of infertility. Explore how neurodiversity may affect infertility grief and some ideas for improving communication between neurodiverse and neurotypical partners.
Neurodiversity Celebration Week - 18 - 24 March is aimed at raising awareness and celebrating the variety of ways in which the human brain works compared to what society considers typical.
Neurodiversity, thought to cover about 10% to 20% of the global population, is an umbrella term that includes the autism spectrum, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia and Tourett’s. While the diagnoses and behavioural presentations may vary, what is common is that neurodiverse (ND) people have unique patterns of thinking, learning, and relating to others which brings a wide range of strengths as well as challenges.
This non-typical way of experiencing, processing, and communicating emotions for ND people, may have a profound impact on how they navigate relationships with neurotypical (NT) people amidst infertility challenges.
While it is widely acknowledged that grief is a unique experience, and most times partners will experience and articulate loss in different ways, the grief reaction of a ND person is usually different to the NT person, as it is believed that how our brain works influences how we process and respond to grief.
As a result, in the world of loss and uncertainty of the #ivfrollercoaster, both the NT partner and the ND partner may feel isolated and misunderstood.
Emotional support for each other may be challenging as their social language around thoughts, feelings, processes, and internal challenges may give rise to conflict in understanding what the other is trying to convey. In many cases, the inability to read emotions or body language by the ND partner may be interpreted as lack of empathy or care by the NT partner. The ND partner may withdraw due to being unable to process intense emotions or may have a delayed or extreme reaction to a failed cycle or pregnancy/baby loss.
So how does one navigate this already complex and emotionally charged time within the added complexity of a ND / NT partnership?
Increase understanding and awareness of challenges
ND partner may experience confusion about how they are “supposed to behave” which could lead to withdrawal rather than sharing thoughts and feelings
ND partner may hyper-focus on things that seem unrelated in an attempt to seek comfort from routine and in doing so may appear detached. This does not mean the ND person does not feel sadness, it may mean they are overwhelmed, and their grief may be drowned out in the swirl of varying thoughts and ideas of how to appear normal and get on with the day-to-day processes of life.
Inability to read emotional cues when the NT partner is upset may result in the ND partner appearing uncaring
ND partner may not know how to respond to NT partner’s emotional distress as they may be having difficulty processing their own emotional state
ND partner may feel isolated due to difficulty in processing and expressing the myriad of emotions associated with infertility’s primary and secondary losses
NT partner may become isolated due to feeling disconnected, dismissed, or unloved as a result of their partner’s lack of ability to interpret non-verbal cues, body language, or demonstrate empathy.
Improving communication may help bridge some of these challenges by minimizing conflict and facilitating partners to be able to support each other. Some helpful tips may be to:
Always ask, never assume. Have an open and honest review of how both partners communicate and work through some methods for removing ambiguity and increasing clarity
Practice listening to understand with a non-judgemental ear. Ask clarifying questions to ensure both are not misinterpreting language or emotional cues
Don’t use sarcasm, metaphors, or euphemisms. Use clear and direct language – eg I am feeling sad because…….or I don’t know how I am feeling….or I would like ……
Exchange information in small chunks. Use only one point of information in each exchange. This takes time and patience.
Consider non-verbal means of communication – eg feelings wheels, images, mood indicators for example placement of an ornament that indicates unhappy or stress, when need to be alone, when okay to have an emotional conversation
Consider the environment when engaging in serious in-depth conversation. Sensory overstimulation such as background noise, even if it is just calming music, aromas, lighting, etc, may influence ability to focus and process. Try to minimize sensory input to reduce distractions and allow for focus.
Infertility grief can be isolating and exhausting, but you don’t have to become isolated. Please contact me for a safe space to share your thoughts, feelings, and maybe develop some coping strategies for moving forward either individually or as a couple.
Interested in further reading? Here are some links that may be of interest:
Neurodiversity and grief: unique challenges of a universal experience. 22 February 2024. Grief Australia https://www.grief.org.au
Neurodiversity and Grieving. 10 March 2022, Bea Moise. https://differentbrains.org/neurodiversity-and-grieving/
Navigating Neurodiverse Relationships - Understanding neurodiversity helps create a healthy neurodiverse relationship. 23 August 2023. Rachel Needle Psy.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-and-sexual-health/202308/navigating-neurodiverse-relationships
Understanding Neurodivergent Brains: What Is Neurodiversity and Why Does It Matter? 6 May 2023 Dr. Charles Mike Rios https://autismdfw.org/understanding-neurodivergent-brains-what-is-neurodiversity-and-why-does-it-matter/
Neurotypical vs Neurodivergent Communication: Embracing Diversity in Dialogue 16 February 2024 Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge https://drroseann.com/neurotypical-vs-neurodivergent-communication-embracing-diversity-in-dialogue
Explainer: What is neurodivergence? Here’s what you need to know. 10 October 2022 Kelly McCain Head, Healthcare Initiatives, World Economic Forum. https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2022/10/explainer-neurodivergence-mental-health