Music speaks when I can’t
“Meaning in music came to us before meaning given by words.” Trimble & Hesdorffer, (2017).
Sometimes one just can’t find the words to express the depth of emotion or the tangle of thoughts we are experiencing. And sometimes there is so much emotion that can’t be released.
Who amongst us has sat with unshed tears that just won’t flow? I know I have. At times like this, I turn to my favourite songs hoping that there are words that will help articulate my thoughts and feelings. Or a tune that will be just sad enough to help make the tears flow. Or maybe a tune with just enough lilt to raise my spirits. Whether they are hymns, showtunes, classics or modern, there is usually someone somewhere who has said something relatable. And with choices of a haunting melody of a piano or violin concerto, the raw emotion of a soulful ballad, or the uplifting beat of a dance tune, there was usually something that would help.
That is, until I tried to find words for how it felt to be in the turmoil of disembarking the #ivfrollercoaster.
The closest I could find to sit with my thoughts and feelings was the timeless classic from 1968 “the windmills in my mind”. * (I am actually listening to this as I write). While its soulful melody and striking words gave some voice to the turmoil within, it was still not quite what I needed.
So, over a coffee one morning, I started to write. Just put down my thoughts on paper and out flowed the words for the song Waiting Rooms. (Click on the audio link above to listen.)
The line – “Living on this roller coaster is messing up the real me” which just flowed without any real in-depth thought was a huge “aha” moment. From somewhere deep within me came the realization of just how much of ME I had given up in trying so hard to achieve the baby dream.
This led to in-depth questioning around “who is the real me?”, “how much more am I willing to give up in the pursuit of the baby dream?”, “do I go for one more ride or disembark before I completely lose me?”
A lot grief work and redefining identity went into the process of being able to step off the IVF roller coaster and begin my own Life After IVF. A life I can truly say I live with joy. Yes, there are moments of sadness for what I have lost (that is a blog for another day), but mostly I have joy in my life again. I have found the real me – a different me to who I was before IVF, but I can contentedly say I am now my authentic self and standing in my own integrity with confidence, hope, and most of all contentment.
How about you? Has a piece of music or a song given you an “aha” moment or helped process thoughts and feelings? Do let me know via the contact link below.
Lyrics to Waiting Rooms©
(Waiting Rooms, 2021. Lyrics© written by Anne Altamore. Music© composed by Cinthia Xavier. Song performed by Myglo© who kindly donated their time and resources to raise awareness of the infertility journey )
I’ve heard it all before
Words of comfort, platitudes,
Encouragement, ambivalence,
those denigrating attitudes.
Waiting Rooms
My smile is bright,
my heart is heavy
Living on this roller coaster
Is messing up the real me
Living on this roller coaster
of hope and despair
Can’t do this anymore,
oh…maybe just one more
The secret pain,
the tears I’ve cried
Hopes raised and lost
And yet awaits another ride
As I pack my bags and weigh the cost
Waiting Rooms
My smile is bright,
my heart is heavy
Living on this roller coaster
is messing up the real me
Living on this roller coaster of hope and despair
Can’t do this anymore, oh…maybe just one more
*Windmills in my mind – music by French composer Michel Legrand, with English lyrics by Alan and Marilyn Bergman. 1968.
Note: This blog, inspired by Music Therapy Week, April 10th to 15th, 2024, is my reflection on the therapeutic effect of music, not music therapy.
Music therapy is provided by qualified music therapist where interaction with music is designed to provide specific individualized goals. Therapeutic music is where music is used to help relax, uplift, or help process thoughts and feelings.
Reference:
Music and the brain: the neuroscience of music and musical appreciation. Michael Trimble and Dale Hesdorffer. Published in BJPSYCH INTERNATIONAL, VOLUME 14 NUMBER 2, MAY 2017