Lessons from Rudolph at Christmas time
“….they never let Rudolph join in any reindeer games.” Do you sometimes feel like the outsider Rudolph ?
Childlessness sometimes brings a lack of belonging. But do you know this very uniqueness can be your guide out of the fog of infertility and loneliness?
Listening to Christmas carols brings a mixed bag of random emotions. Growing up in the tropics, I yearned to experience a white Christmas and for the day I would have my own children to re-create Christmas to fit with the songs I was listening to.
Fast forward to adulthood, I live in Australia, and it is summer in December, so no white Christmas. Years of unsuccessful IVF left me childless not by choice. For a while I buried myself in the lives of others and celebrated their children which brought a bittersweet tinge to every Christmas.
When these borrowed children grew up and got busy with their own lives, I started to feel a lot like Rudolph.
“All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.” This is the stanza that was on repeat in my head and heart at this time of year. While no one has laughed and called me names to my face, I know there is significant stigma in being childless. We stand out at a time when so much is focussed on children and multi-generational families. Many people did not know my story of infertility and loss, until recently, so over the years, there were snide comments about being career-focussed and having all this time and money over Christmas as I did not have to spend a fortune on children’s presents. What a joke! Infertility treatment is expensive! And as we man the fort at work so that parents can have time off to attend school plays and go lunchtime shopping, there isn’t much free time available.
The second line is still prominent – “they never let Rudolph join in any reindeer games.” Being childless not by choice seems to be the ignore-me card for many invitations that are child centred at this time of year. I actually do not mind not going as there are many triggers and sometimes the aftermath is not worth the effort, but it would be nice to be invited or at least thought worthy to join in an event.
However, as one of my life goals is not to wallow but to continuously build my #griefmuscles, I did some research on what I could learn from Rudolph. Here is what I found out.
While Rudolph was initially ostracised for his (her?) difference, it was this exact uniqueness that was crucial in a crisis. “Rudolph with your nose so bright, Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?”
This line led me to reflect on how one’s uniqueness might become a guide out of the fog of infertility and loss.
We don’t know which position in the reindeer group Rudolph originally had, but on that foggy night we know he took the lead. Will 2024 be the year you feel empowered to “take the lead”, to step out of your comfort zone and step up? Will your learnings become a guide out of grief and loneliness?
Maybe, your New Year’s resolution could be to remember that like Rudolph, a childless not by choice life has its own uniqueness and to be open to answering your own extraordinary call.
Are you curious to find out how you can be brave enough to “guide the sleigh” of your own life with all its beautiful unique learnings and strengths?
If any of this resonates with you please contact me for a confidential discussion on how you too may be able to move from being the odd one out to being empowered to life a full life.