I’ll always be a doughnut, but I have choices in how I decorate it
27 years ago this week, I heard those heart wrenching words “there are no heartbeats.” My world changed that day. A gaping hole appeared and has never disappeared.
On National Doughnut Day, I find myself thinking about how now being able to say, “I will always be a doughnut”, is no longer focusing on the painful hole of loss, but about what surrounds it. The various sprinkles, flavours, and glazes that enhance the doughnut’s deliciousness can be a comparison for the many diverse aspects of my life—career, friendships, study, hobbies, and a heap of other things have enhanced my life despite the gaping hole of loss.
This changed perspective did not come easily.
It has been a long trek to get here. It took a lot of work learning about grief, how to integrate loss, and how to rebuild a life of meaning and purpose which brings contentment.
The doughnut metaphor and Tonkin’s model of grief
Embracing the doughnut metaphor is not just whimsy. It is actually based on Dr Lois Tonkin’s model of growing around your grief. The model states that over time, our grief doesn’t disappear or get smaller, instead our lives grow around the grief as we make decisions and choices to rebuild our lives with what gives us joy, peace, and fulfilment.
You can see a beautiful visual of this model here https://youtube.com/shorts/UoUDhJ1DCXg?si=g5NPnslM8ME0mx1u
In a society that often equates fulfillment with parenthood, embracing the doughnut metaphor reminds me to celebrate my life for what it is, rather than focusing on what it is not. The empty space in a doughnut does not diminish its deliciousness or completeness. Similarly, childlessness does not equate to a lack of purpose or joy.
Interestingly, the doughnut was designed to have a hole in the middle to help it cook evenly and retain a consistent texture and taste. To me this is another great allegory for how we can gain perspective and make meaning of other areas of life from the losses we have endured.
Life after IVF, can be full of rich experiences, love, and contentment despite the gaping holes of primary and secondary losses. Happiness is possible outside the expected norm childbearing and child rearing.
I believe we need to actively make choices about how we decorate our own unique doughnuts to maximise enjoyment.
What “sprinkles and glazes” can you use to build your life around loss?
Bit of trivia
And because I like researching trivia – here’s the legend of why doughnuts have holes - In 1847, a sailor named Gregory was frustrated that the doughy fried treats he was making had undercooked centers and burnt exteriors. He decided to remove the dough's center, creating a hole which allowed it to cook more evenly, resulting in a profound impact on taste and texture.
Read More: https://www.mashed.com/1332986/legend-why-donuts-holes-in-center/
Please contact me for a confidential discussion if you would like to begin exploring how you can rebuild your life around childlessness.
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